Mirroring "Past Self" by Sleep Token to Jason Taylor

While contemplating what specifically I’m taking away from my experience of reading Black Swan Green and laying on my bed, a lyric from my favorite band popped into my head: “And your fingers, / foxtrot on my skin, I’m / going under this time.” It was “Provider” by Sleep Token, and unfortunately for the narrative timeline of this blog, that song is not at all what this blog is about; instead, it is about a different Sleep Token song, which this little situation had inspired me to make the connection for. Also, shout-out Harmony for making me feel less insecure about writing a blog connecting a song to one of these books. 

 

Sorry for the preamble. The song is “Past Self,” by Sleep Token —after we finish Black Swan Green, it’s sounding like there are already some connections, huh? For a little context, Sleep Token as a band has its own storyline, and so as to preserve the sanctity of the lore they are creating, they remain anonymous, don masks, and portray characters. In a way that is not dissimilar to David Mitchell’s descriptions of Jason Taylor’s different alter egos, the singer and main composer portrays Vessel, our protagonist, and his unknowable Eldritch god, Sleep. While Hangman isn’t quite as powerful as a cult-seeking deity, Jason and Vessel are both compelled in different ways into creating art in the form of writing poems and songs respectively; Vessel’s intent in creating music is to make himself a literal vessel for Sleep to vicariously experience human feelings, and Jason writes poetry (and later, prose) to process his life experiences without the hindrance of stammering. Also, both Vessel (and the band Sleep Token itself) and Jason Taylor are British. Need I say more. Let’s get onto the song.

“Well, are you gonna dance on the line with me? / You know it’s not a game or a fantasy. / And I don’t even know who I used to be, / But nothing is the same, and some things have to change now” are the opening lines and chorus. This song is very much attached in my head to the chapter “goose fair,” specifically when Jason is confronting his inner voices in the mirror maze. If we superimpose the lore of the song with Jason’s story, I interpret this lyric as Jason’s alter egos asking him if he’s going to try and continue changing himself to fit the status quo as he continues coming of age. Life isn’t a game, especially as you’re growing up, and neither is it quite like the fantasies you so enjoy like in Lord of the Rings. Maybe it’s hard to know whether or not you’re truly Maggot or Unborn Twin or some other form of Jason Taylor you had or always have been, “an Inside-You must stay unaltered to change the Outside-You. To change Inside-You, you’d need an Even-More-Inside-You, who’d need an Inside-the-Even-More-Inside-You to change it… You with me?” (Mitchell 249). But as you’re growing up and things are changing (cough cough your parents are divorcing), nothing is the same, and you have to figure out what kind of person you’re going to be (some things have to change now).

“Clawed out of my woodwork, / Bolts out of my blue depths. / In and out of my dreamscapes, / People acting different.” 

This section is a little harder to analyze, especially since even Sleep Token fans have a hard time deciphering the original intentions of the lyrics. But, if we consider the first two lyrics here as a metaphor for blueprints, then we can see that Jason Taylor has been reinventing himself using “blueprints” of society and people around him: acting tough, trying to be more or less like Hugo Lamb, generally emulating what he thinks popularity demands. The latter two lyrics describe Jason Taylor’s life throughout this book —he’s constantly going through these magical-realist hallucinations(?) where the readers have no idea what’s real; i.e., dreamscapes. And people change as he attempts to change himself, like with his almost-initiation into the Spooks. 

“One look at my past self, / Double take on my cash flow” oh my GOSH Jason you’re RICH!!!! You just found Wilcox’s 600 pounds!!! 

“Apologizing for shit that frankly I stopped thinking of years ago”

Jason considers keeping the money, since it would solve a whole lot of his problems. As readers, we know that his dad doesn’t care about the Omega Seamaster in the grand scheme of things, it’s shit he’s frankly stopped thinking about years ago (months ago, not quite a year, but still). Keeping the money would be just the kind of passive karmic revenge Jason’s past self deserves.

“And you know I deliberate on cutting out the demons. / I still need a dark side, they just need a reason.”

Jason deliberates on cutting out the demons! He thinks about taking Maggot’s advice in the hall of mirrors, about following the weather forecasts of popularity. Conversely, these harmful alter egos just need Jason to continue being insecure and self-conscious to keep existing, from a psychological point of view. Hangman needs this dark side to keep existing, and Jason just needs reasons to believe awful things about himself for that to happen. 

“The passage of the hours into rushing through the seasons, / Falling through my mind with the leaves on the trees, so” 

As Jason contemplates, the accumulation of everything he’s learned throughout the seasons remain as lessons he’s collected in the forest of his mind. So,

“Keep me alive, keep me believing, / That now is the time to take it or leave it.”

So, now’s the time to embrace the One-You, Jason’s true self! And decide if that person will take the money or leave it!

“Gave away all my blessings, / Lift off, weightless”

Jason gave the money back! :DDDDD Now’s he on the teacup ride!!

“Torn apart by the true believers that turned out to be faithless”

Oh dear, Ross Wilcox ends up an amputee in some part due to the company he kept. Dawn Madden, it turns out, was NOT a true believer in how awesome and cool Wilcox was.

The chorus repeats again, and the second verse goes by with similar convoluted messaging: 

“Are you the guardian angel hacking into my brain cells?

Stepping up from my future, uploading my true self?

Did I get this far for nothing, or are you the reward?”

Is the mysterious inspirational Upside-Down-Jason an angel, giving Jason advice about the proper way to live his life, uploading his true self? Did he get this far into discovering how he wants to be a good person, truly, for no material gain? Or is being a good person and returning Wilcox’s money it’s own reward?

I’m going to skip the rest of the verse and also the chorus again, because while I think it could be applicable to Jason Taylor, it isn’t so relevant to Goose Fair specifically. Let’s go straight to the outro. 

“I just don't want to be lost again

I just don't want to be lost again

I just don't want to be lost again

I just don't want to be lost again”

And honestly, the guilt and potentially grief at the horrendous injury Wilcox suffered is enough to make anyone second-guess their choices and butterfly-effects, Jason. Being scared that how you’re feeling is going to untether you from the entire new identity you’re deciding you ought to build up could drive anyone to talk to a comatose old lady in a random house in the woods. But maybe you also don’t want to be lost in the woods with your hallucinations again, also. 

But yeah! If any casual readers have made it to the end of my very long blog, thank you for reading my “Genius-lyrics”-esque analysis of “Past Self” through the filter of Black Swan Green! I highly recommend listening to the song, if only to get a sense of what the heck I was rambling on about here.